The Battle Is On

Hi You! Thanks for coming back to visit. It has brought much joy to my heart to know you care. It is wonderful to know that I am not alone. Having you here has given me strength and hope.

I am staring out the window into the cloudy dark sky. I tend to wonder what others are doing right this minute. It is not even people I know either. I just wonder. Today is cold and rainy. It is fair to say it is a gloomy day. But I am so happy. I feel that I have been given the okay to press on in my life. It is a new day for me and my family. But I cannot help but wonder about those who did not get good news this day. I pray for them as I thank God for allowing me to move forward in this war I have waged.

As you know today was the last day of tests. I cannot even begin to tell you how glad I am that the tests are over. I know that people have always said that No News is Good News but I still worried. I told you in my last entry that it was a life changing year. Oh and believe me, it is.

My first steps on destroying Mr Panic (I wonder why I said Mr and not Mrs. Isn't that weird how we subconsciously do or say things? What does it mean? Hmmm?) Anyway, my first steps were to see my doctors and rule out any physical obstacles. I made a list of what I needed to begin doing.
Step 1. Set Appt to see my doctors (Check),
Step 2. Take tests requested by my doctors (Check),
a. Brain MRI (Normal) Check,
b. Head MRI (Normal) Check,
c. Echo Cardiogram (Normal) Check,
d. Chest/Lung Cat Scan (Normal) Check,
e. Stress Test (Normal) Check
Oh my goodness, all these tests. Today was the last of the test, the STRESS TEST. Can we say "Out Of Shape"? LOL. As the treadmill begun to climb and my steps grew in stride I could feel my heart pounding and my blood racing. But I was doing ok. As I breathed harder and ran faster I could hear my better half giggle at me. But what an experience. It was scary, tiring and felt good all at the same time. Then my number dropped. The look on the faces of my doctor and nurse showed concern. I have to tell you I was scared but kept running. Then they decided it was a mechanical error. Whew, dodged a bullet!!! I was to continue the test for 11 minutes as per my age. I hit 10 minutes 20 seconds. Ok not great but not bad. I now have some peace of mind.

As you know that with Panic/Anxiety peace of mind does not come easy. I joke with my partner and tell her that at least we know I am just crazy. I know that I'm not but it can sure feel that way sometimes. It is a feeling of complete lack of control of your own body and mind. I know now that having all my tests come out normal I will not be stopped. I am in this war til the end.
So now on to step 3.
Step 3. New Healthy Diabetic Diet with portion control
Step 4. Exercise 30 Minutes Daily
Step 5. Become more educated on my condition (You can never be to knowledgeable of your disorder)
Step 6. Get at least 7 hours of sleep.

Well, those are my steps. I can do this! I can change my life for the better! I am in control of my life. I believe in God so I know I am not alone. I know because of you that I am not alone. I will do this.

I will try to update everyday. Life can sometimes move time a little faster then we expect. If I don't get to update daily I will update once a week. We can do this together. Thank you my friend for being here. I will talk to you soon.

My New Year's Resolution

I have decided after dealing with Panic/Anxiety and Depression for the last 10 years that I have had enough. What better time then now? I will not spend another 10 years in the shadow of Panic. It has ruled my life for way to long. Perhaps, I didn't care that it had taken over my life. Perhaps, I didn't think my life was important enough to matter that I stayed hidden from the public or afraid to go anywhere for fear of a Panic attack. But now, I am putting my foot down. Panic has waged wore on my family and that I will not allow!

Panic has held me hostage in my own body and mind for years but now it has tried to the same by keeping me from taking my family anywhere or enjoying the time when we do venture somewhere. NO MORE!!!!

As I sit here in my Texas home looking out the window, I am sipping on my decaf coffee and snacking on my coffee cake. I am enjoying the weather of 42*and listening to my son play his drums, our chihuahua and our cat run through the house I wonder, will I have high anxiety today? Will I have a panic attack?

I do not want to live like this anymore. I do not want to worry about having a Panic attack. I will have a great day. It will be wonderful.

I am blogging because I know that I cannot be the only one who lives like this. I believe I will beat it this year and that together we can do it. Today is the day I will make a complete life change. I do not exercise for fear of an attack, I do not go anywhere far for fear of an attack, I do not bounce on the Trampoline with my son for fear of an attack. I fear everything. God forbid my heart pounds a little to fast because then ER here I come. I must be dyng!!

No More! I have taken my life into my own hands. I had some dizziness then Vertigo, I had headaches, I was tired and I had shortness of breath, so I called up my doctor. I was given two antibiotics for Sinus & Ear infection. Great, but then we decided let's just rule everything out. I had a brain and head MRI done. No tumor! Everything seems normal. LOL, Normal? I don't even remember what that feels like. A week later I saw the Cardiologist and we decided to have Chest/Lung Cat-Scan done to rule out a pulmonary embolisim. Sure, let's just add anxiety. So I had that done, results, seems to be fine. Great! Then I had a echocardiogram and I am waiting on the results either tomorrow or Tuesday. On Friday I have a stress test. Oh, the excitement in my life!

How have I taken my life into my own hands? Well, with these test being done and things being cleared I have nothing standing in my way but myself. When the other two come back as normal my non-existent exercise will be a everyday part of my life. Today is the first day of the rest of my new and healthy life. I know my family's history or at least for the most part. I know that we have had heart disease in our family. I know that we have high blood preasure, diabeties, ovarian cancer, breast cancer, colon cancer... I could go on. Some of these are just part of the culture,the food we eat, the geographical area we live in. Some maybe genetic. But things don't have to repeat themselves. This is the part of my family history I do not want to be a part of and I do not cherish. I will break the cycle!

So having rambled on and said that, my plan. I WILL NOT HAVE PANIC AGAIN IN 2010!!! Myself and my family have decided we will change for the better together. We will learn how to cope with stress and how to destress. We will eat healthier. We will be eating diabetic recipes to make sure that we eat what we like but without all the junk. We will exercise at least 30 minutes a day. We will venture out more or I should say I will venture out more with my family. We will become more informed about what plagues us. I am doing this for myself but I am also doing it for my 5 yr old son. He should not know what a panic attack is, he should not know when it is time to take my meds, he should not have to comfort me and talk me through a panic attack. He will not live the life I do and neither will I. We will be happier and healthier in 2010.

I have always said that there are four very important things you need to help you deal with Panic/Anxiety disorder. 1)Faith, 2)Family, 3)Meds, 4)Therapy. I still believe that but I have realized that I do not want to just deal with it I want to destroy it. I want to conquer it! I want to win this war! I will win this war against myself.

If your out there let me know that I am not alone. We can win together!